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Okay. This may end up looking ugly. The plot is simple getting revenge and it is like I spit on your grave. First, A woman’s set of thugs with makeup on rape her, and when she is out of the hospital, she begins to hunt them down and kill them, one at a time. In the meantime, a hairless, overly strong, mentally challenged man offers help and she takes it. One more thing, a former lover and Interpol officer who abandoned her post rape and married way too fast comes back into the picture. HO! She is also somehow involved in diamond smuggling. OH! And it turns out she has a twin sister and they are both planning revenge together.
But, do not worry about that. The title of the film is Ninja Champion. Where are the ninjas, goober? Well, there are indeed ninjas in the film. For instance, we can tell they are ninjas because they put on red and blue pajamas, and from time to time the word NINJA is printed on their headbands. These moments are actually funny in a stupid way, but have no connection to the revenge movie apart from some conversations which makes an effort to stupidly bridge the gap. The film ends with a DUAL TO THE DEATH conflict between the white (good) and red (bad) ninja, which I believe occurs on a playground. After a little red guy exposition, red-guy gets stabbed on the monkey bars, now that is unfortunate.
Ah, yes. This is the definition of bad. You might recall the name Godfrey Ho from my review of The Shaolin Drunk Monkey. In the mid 80s, Godfrey had a great way to make money. Ninjas were such a big deal, so he bought the rights to almost finished movies, added some new scenes with rainbow colored masked ninjas and then redubbed the entire movie giving it a title like rage of the ninja or full metal ninja (yes, those are real titles).
The 80s saw the rapid proliferation of budget-friendly low key film titles in video stores across the world and those who were unfortunate enough to witness more than a singular masterpiece, quickly understood where the through line tied to. His stock footage approach would always stay consistent, often inserting the same American actors into new movies, which was completely absurd as the footage was shot in bulk. Perhaps this was to fulfill Ho’s attempt at establishing a foothold in the critical market of Michael Dudikoff.
An example would be the ‘ninja’ who goes by ‘Donald’ and is impersonated by Bruce Baron. What was ‘Ninja Destroyer’ was the ‘Ultimate Ninja’ in which Bruce Baron featured in 86. Now, take a wild guess who directed those three? It takes a lot of creativity to seamlessly combine so many elements together and indeed gives them credit, given how these movies have literally zero logic. Such and claim is only possible because regardless, these films are shot towards Ho’s audience. Such incoherence is the reason why Ho could usurp control to rules over the filming at any given point . And this is how a director gets more than 100(!!) directorial credits in under 30 years.
Having Harrison Richard, a respected Italian actor, in the movie is itself an embodiment of pure exploitation. Ex. 19 films made during the golden age of Turkey and ninjas were based on ninjas. The man played almost all roles in the film emerged from the directing genius Godfrey Ho. To motorboat in any other fantasy other than the Gordon stunts would require separate filming sessions, pray tell.
It is also important to discuss how Ninja Champion happened. There is a good chance that these two films were joined together with a glue made from spit, and in truth it is more useful to critique both parts in isolation.
The story of the women vengeance is at best dreary, an epitome of unoriginal concepts. Why would a woman who is so keen to live, seeks a mechanism that would enable her male antichrist to execute her in this particular scene. The antagonist responds in dark humor, “I wouldn’t want to deliver a complex, and if done correctly would counsel you to engage in some soft core BDSM prior to termination”. Well so much for class. Godfrey Ho.
Of all things, the movie also features some rather decent kung-fu. My personal favorite part is when the boy-friend/interpol agent leaps high into the air and disappears entirely. His attackers were dumbfounded. I wish he could teach his lady-friend this teleportation trick!
But, the movie is boring and dull. There is an absolutely ridiculous early scene in which Rose (our unfortunate lady star) goes to see a diamond smuggler and takes off her upper garment to show .. um.. shininess. Or a heavenly glow. Or something. It is rather unusual, especially when we see a shocking nipple exposure few minutes later.
The motive behind her rape is hard to comprehend, even after a couple of over-the-top explanations, so we don’t get to see any I Spit On Your Grave penis-cuttings (Spoiler) because most of Rose’s revenge schemes revolve around poison. It seems like the man-child entering the film during the final scene is missing a significant portion of the film due to all the ninja action being stuffed in.
Speaking of the ninja action, it isn’t horrible. I guess, it’s probably only ten minutes worth of running time, but it contains some good stunts and sword fighting, and aside from the fact that:
This film just isn’t good. And there’s no need to even sit through it. It is indeed a slow and confusing revenge film like the rest, and the ninja clips are bound to be in some other Godfrey Ho movie that is more interesting than this. All of the intriguing parts in Ninja Champion including the outright Star Wars music parody at the beginning are located right here:
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