“Love Hurts” suffers from commitment phobia. It is a romantic action comedy that wants to be an exploitation film of the past with a modern touch, but it doesn’t seem to care about romance, action, or even comedy as it advertises them. The latter fact is made more appropriate by the fact that the movie traces Marvin Gable’s life (played by Ke Huy Quan), an ordinary guy who used to be a killer and now works as a real estate agent who sells people fake happiness through empty suburban houses. These spirits’ comeback makes it hard for him to continue advising buyers on where they can find the most suitable home. This isn’t anything more than just premises switching games. Unfortunately, not one inch of this insipid movie is worth owning no matter how hard Quean’s leading performance in it was.
This is a hard fall for first-time director Jonathan Eusebio who until now served as the fight coordinator of David Leitch’s stardom-filled SXSW headliner “The Fall Guy.” With the support of Leitch who also produced “Nobody” and “Violent Night” Eusebio was probably hoping that he could easily move to the directing chair. Unfortunately for Eusebio, “Love Hurts” stalls out then crashes into a wall which is an unmitigated disaster. His fight scenes do not hit and blurred ones, and the film has a highly irritating tone that can be exhausting even to those viewers besotted with love. The script seems overworked but somehow thin on substance, appearing to make up for its lack of content by significantly increasing font size every few words, thereby pointing it is difficult to tell whether the stars are wrongly cast or if they were given trite dialogue ever written.
“Love Hurts” switches between being like “Rumble in the Bronx” and an homage to ’70s exploitation cinema. Prior to falling short of these objectives, this treacly movie endeavors to bring in Marvin as a cleanest guy on earth possible. Wearing glasses and a quirky sweater, Marvin bakes pink heart-shaped cookies and looks at his garden gnome while pedaling away towards work where he throws away used cans along his way.
His humble way of speaking and his slogan, “I’ll find a home for you,” influences the same affable character that Quan created with “Everything Everywhere All at Once.” Unfortunately editing in arrhythmic manner always obscures Quan’s sunny disposition. When Marvin calls his gloomy secretary Ashley (Lio Tipton), this bouncing back and forth between them appears like an attempt to undermine the friendly groundwork Quan is trying to create in his characters.
In the overlong 83-minute duration, Quan lacks any counterpoint to his own vivaciousness. In a reunion of ‘The Goonies,’ Sean Astin plays Marvin’s homespun cowboy boss, who has one great scene but little else. Mustafa Shakir shows up as a poetic hitman reduced to one repetitive joke. As Eusebio keeps cutting back on Lynch, Marshawn Lynch and Otis André Eriksen watch their fun give-and-go as buddy killers hunting Quan being minced by persistent cuts from Eusebio.
However, the most disappointing element is Ariana DeBose playing Marvin’s long-lost love Rose Carlisle. Years ago, Marvin’s criminal brother Knuckles (Daniel Wu) sent him to kill Rose, the company lawyer because she had stolen some cash. However, he let her live and subdued his homicidal tendencies.
Knuckles’ return is marked by him sending Valentine Day letters; he along with his minion Remy (Cam Gigandet) will now seek to kill her and Marvin. Even though DeBose wants to be a seductive femme fatale (her character’s catchphrase is “hiding isn’t living”), she doesn’t have the sexy sizzle necessary for such a part. Having seen her play half-baked roles in “Kraven the Hunter” and “Argylle,” one can only wonder what happened to DeBose. When you watch Steven Spielberg’s version of “West Side Story“, light appears to bend differently around her. She seems not even to have any light left in her.
Consider also that “Love Hurts” does not seem like an emotionally credible movie too. We are supposed to buy this: Rose comes and wakes up Marvin, who immediately wants to leave his new life as a real estate broker behind. I’m saying I ain’t here condescending none of yawl dreams man!
However, a lifeless cul-de-sac with vapid, cookie-cutter homes is not worth fighting off armies of assassins to protect because there is no pet or partner awaiting one at home (though Geena Davis in the Long Kiss Goodnight had a personal stake in reuniting with her own daughter). However, Marvin has refused Rose at first and still tries to go back to his boring job only because he wants to be regular. Judging by his beige existence, I would say that normal here looks like a purgatory.
But maybe it’s better Marvin hesitated to be with Rose? She and Quan have no business together. It might as well be a hot air film that never had the guts to get steamy. It is what happens when bodies talk to each other in space, eyes communicate desires and one can feel the Eros lurking in silences shared. However, Eusebio suffers from explain it is which makes him feed both Marvin and Rose’s innermost thoughts through voiceovers so often that their love becomes difficult to imagine.
“Love Hurts” also has very few satisfying deaths or memorable fights for an action movie. Eusebio looks like he is afraid of death scene and does not allow his amazing fighting choreography room. Though, there is a strong inclination towards cleanliness that makes this mock-exploitation film erase its grunginess into a flatly cinematic aesthetic which feels more like stylized costume play than colorful filmmaking; despite neon sprayed scenes supported by soundtracks consisting of wah-wah guitars and swirling strings marking scenes filled with big-bad substances. This all goes toward how Hollywood knows the parts of action cinema but has forgotten how much of each requires being used.
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