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All I am trying to articulate is what a vampire says after reading the mind of another vampire, this bears an uncanny resemblance to “incoherent thoughts and images nothing more” and I dare say that he’s not too far-fetched from the truth.
What I’ve encountered here is a delightfully gruesome and hilariously absurd B-movie parody, with the key features being vampires in Orlando and werewolves clad in Levi’s. Apparently, they have been secretly fighting a class war for centuries while the continent remained mute. Do people not pay their electric bills here? How is it that it always rains? Why does everyone wear leather jumpers and why has no one thought of a diet?
And what I am really intrigued about is the manner in which Underworld manages to beat the entire Matrix saga without breaking a sweat. The best part is we share a common interest in the pure skill of walking into a room, especially at a leisurely pace while wearing black leather. There is something profusely elegant about it.
And no, I don’t mean that in a condescending way. Donning a leather catsuit to rescue the day is what Kate Beckinsale does best and to no one’s surprise, she finds herself tangled in an even bigger plot. What is more interesting is the predicament she stumbles into her bloodthirsty family trying to forge an alliance with a pack of raging werewolves.
Kate simply has a knack for opening doors. From a distance, one could easily assume that she is a modern goth version of Lucy from Peanuts, who has the cranial strength of a Sgt. Rock and the fangs of Count Chocula. She possesses cropped black hair, an intimidating demeanour and some highly advanced social skills. Finally, she is able to remove the proverbial poker from the society-wide stranglehold in style, which is a skill every woman should posses.
This is her role in the never ending ghoul girls caper war between vampires and werewolves Like I suspected, she enters a room repeatedly. While the camera is stationed low to the ground, it shows the rest of viewers how her Keanu influenced leather trench coat billows behind her. One of the three main characters is Selene, a vampire warrior who holds considerable loathing towards werewolves.
In the opening sequence of the movie, one of her subway rides gets interrupted by some Lycans, also known as werewolves, which happen to be her most hated rivals, and a considerable amount of supermodelish posing occurs. After all this, how do we keep a straight face when a woman is being shown as using the busts of 18th-century composers for machinegun target practice? Or a movie populated by Viktor and Kraven-type characters?
Life in the Underworld is never simple, especially when it can slam into the American modern mythology capital N, as a single spear is always hot these days. And here is a good place to use a George Lucas strategy, which is imagining an opposite reality right down to the colour of shoelaces worn by the evil character, to multiply one successful film into triplets all at once. In addition to the inevitable DVD box set, this leads hungry fans into tons of unreadable books explaining the intricacies of the philosophy of the film’s vision, and eventually, this tiresome self-importance.
The one behind this mess is Len Wiseman, another music video and TV advertisement director who got a studio budget for his work. And while he is drenched in pretentiousness, his images evoke inspiration. The narrative is a pure Romeo & Juliet Selene learns that werewolves have ill intentions with the young human doctor (Felicity’s Scott Speedman) and decides to rush to his rescue. He, however, has been gnawed on, so now while they must defend themselves from traitors and warriors of both races, they can never be together. She’s a blood suck, and he drinks out of the toilet. These star-crossed lovers could never hope to agree on the one restaurant in the world to settle down in, and well, tribal conflicts are far too messy to even discuss.
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