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How should one approach a film that misses the mark on every level? Most people will struggle to jot down their thoughts in the form of an insightful review, while some others will choose to engage themselves into the utter disaster of a film and appreciate the absurdity that comes with it without caring for the flaws within. With Girls Just Wanna Have Blood, my approach was the latter. For the better half of the first part, I was thinking of giving the film a clean zero, but upon letting it guile through, I definitely had a slightly better time watching it than I thought.
The movie Girls Just Wanna Have Blood is directed by Anthony Catanese and follows younger vampire girls with a constant blood mitts problem. With an endless thirst for blood, the vampire girls are out on a mission to abduct new victims every day in order to fulfill their hunger and constantly stay satiated. Soon, a brand new, normal girl is introduced to their clan as a friend and bride. But, things take a drastic turn when members of a motorcycle bar start missing, raising suspicion in other people. Things get dark as our Vampiric girls must do everything it takes to fend for their survival.
Everything I have mentioned occurs only during the second half of the film. The first half is just a collage of random and ineffective scenes, which mostly revolve around poor attempts at sexual engagements that serve as bait to vampirishly feast on men, thoroughly unnecessary conversations focused at length on sex, and teenage drama that solely exists for the sake of something happening in the blank spaces that lack any noteworthy point of interest. The film certainly drags on for more than the two hours it takes, which is weird, but I would happily sit through this if I could remove the entire first half.
(L-R): Gigi Gustin, Penny Praline and Amanda Renee in GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE BLOOD ©Wild Eye Releasing
The most notable thing about the film is its poor technical detail. Every feature within this film suffers a flaw. I am not referring to anything that has to do with their style, though most of it is not to my liking. I mean the mistakes that should not be present in a film, and for lack of a better word, this gave it a student film look. As a fresh face to the industry, I am all to familiar with prominent issues that plagued my peers and I during our first few attempts to make films, and I see those mistakes here too. Some parts of the image are laughable at best, with particular scenes being overly blurry and grainy. Furthermore, the lighting of a scene will change completely between takes. The audio is the worst part of this piece. During some moments, the dialogue is very quiet – so quiet, in fact, that it is impossible to hear what the character is saying. At other times, certain characters’ voices come through with a lot of noise that seems mismatched to the place they are in, suggesting that the dialogue was filmed in some other setting. And it probably was.
The cuts in the film tend to be abrupt, which leads to a lack of flow and some cuts seem jarring as if to cover up for the underlying issues in color and sound which practically bring laughter.
Everything, apart from the film’s production value, is unremarkable. No one’s going to remember the bland plot, especially the first part of the film that drags. The second half is a bit better, with some engaging scenes; heck, one scene even made me laugh out loud. Most of the performances did not impress me, and quite a few were pretty poor, but I’ve certainly seen worse. Still, I will commend the film for casting women of different ethnicities as vampires. A few of the characters have the potential to be quite interesting, if only to explore what life as a vampire is like, but the film chooses a more traditional route where sex is abundant while blood and gore are present in an over-the-top manner that is laughably ridiculous.
I cannot complain too much about the movie, and yes, I can say that it was nostalgic in the most vague way possible, but its clear flaws made me reminisce about the time I spent watching low-grade college movies. I did get a few laughs as well, and a lot of them came from ridiculous effects work and baffling dialogue, but let’s say I enjoyed one out of many because it was actually funny. For the plethora of my female vampires, I gave half a star because I laughed. After those two reasons, I went completely blank in terms of praise. I found myself asking how this made it to the final cut without reshoots or re-edits on multiple occasions. But if you are not the kind of person that would appreciate jabbing nails into a coffin and laughing at what’s inside, then why bother watching girls who want blood?
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