Lumina

Lumina
Lumina

It’s not just awful, it’s not just horrendous either, it’s downright disastrous. It’s ‘Lumina’, a cinematic experience that falls under such a unique category that we are forced to believe that it falls in line with films that purposefully seek to fail gloriously aka ‘The Room’ and ‘Birdemic’. We can only assume that this was the intended outcome and explain the utterly ridiculous shot compositions, the aimless characters, the nonsensical character arcs, and the dialogue that seems to have been produced by A.I. or the Hindi version of the script’s Google Translate. The man is popular for his hard work in his field, Eric Roberts manages to flash in and out of the shot for minutes and times his snarky line deliveries well enough to add charm to this mess but this scene is also quickly lost to this whirlpool of stupidity that this picture directed seems to wholeheartedly endorse. Robert has infamously completed over 700 movies in his career and it’s safe to say he has become one of the most busy actors in the industry but one can’t be surprised to think that perhaps some of them have witnessed this same fate as this film.

“Lumina” starts off like a relationship drama much in the fashion of a simple love story where Alex( played by Rupert Lazarus) is seen with a woman called Tatiana (played by Eleanor Williams) Unfortunately, Alex’s development as a character is severely stunted by Delilah (played by Andrea Tivador), an ex who steals his thunder whenever their wheels try to spin in the direction of a romance. Later on, however, aliens present their peculiar tale, as after a series of poorly executed CGI fx, there is a scene where Tatiana, interspersed with spacecraft, gets abducted. Alex sees a man, now fully heartbroken, who slaps on a cheap beard and decides to unbother himself by whispering into a flat voice that he once held. I misunderstood Alex’s looking into his pool and seeing a vision of a missing Tatiana as “when Carl Weathers appears in the clouds at the end of Happy Gilmore.” In case this was an attempt to provoke laughter, it did work, but the shot doesn’t leave the viewer with any insight either.

Suddenly, Alex, Delilah, Patricia (Sidney Nicole Rogers), and George (Ken Lawson) are off gallivanting across very many countries in search of Tatiana. They fall right into grip of an enigmatic alien kidnapper, which Roberts does not really look like at all, called Thom, and this is the extended cameo mentioned above, the scene that was shot in a day for the sake of financing the picture and culminates in a very impressive car chase.

The foursome is back on the highways, this time along with Tania’s parents explaining how their daughter got abducted by aliens (which is such a beautiful thing to confess to your spouse), through the sand-filled roads towards an underground base which is either an American government or some aliens or something. By now, it is hard to put much emphasis on that. And the crashing of overdone graphics where the characters and what is threatening them are never in the same frame does not seem to help.

How does one set out to discuss the film entitled “Lumina” It might be better to find another movie to watch because this one seems to go on forever as the time is close to two hours. Alternatively, it can be noted that several scenes were left incomplete which causes the film to appear disjointed as there is no normal arc to the film. None of it is coherent in the least, so trying to identify creative scenes and dissect them is pointless, though I will always remember the one with the goat.

Of course not perhaps that is the intention. So far, I have never come across a film that I can remember as much as I do “The Room”. I suspect that in time I will be able to remember “Lumina” because it was like a horrible dream of being abducted by extraterrestrials. It probably even would be more interesting.

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