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This part covers one of a kind, less known and untitled movies that are yet to be sold on a legitimate DVD. Some films might have been available in other countries, or on a public domain label or some never got the chance to be released over the digital format. The goal of this section is to make sure that these films do not fade away and help people recall them if they have seen any of the representations of the film in theatres, or on video players, or on television.
Some mobsters barge into Joseph’s house and shoot him for refusing to sell his electronics company which he co-owned with his wife. The killers rape and murder his wife Joanna before leaving him to die. Although Joseph survives the horrific ordeal, he becomes an invalid. With the help of his Vietnam buddies, he sets out to destroy the mobsters that murdered his wife.
Sometimes, a movie exists that is so hideous in nature and lacks all logic and artistic wit that it is amusing to watch. KILL SQUAD is one of those movies. There are very little films that have reached the same heights or lower the bar to the likes of PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1956), ROBOT MONSTER (1953), MYRA BRECKINRIDGE (1970) or JAWS: THE REVENGE (1987) to name a few other turkeys. Those films however, do not even come close to how awful the motion picture created by Patrick Donahue is.
KILL SQUAD (1982) is one of the most outrageously bad, yet absurdly hilarious films you will ever watch. It is hard to fathom if the whole production was created to be this bad. A great example of a film that pours an insane amount of money into a production without gathering any creative input. More than a half baked idea. To be honest, there is not enough that can be said in favor of KILL SQUAD. It is a truly unforgettable cinematic experience. It is hard to list a case where a movie is both horrible and entertaining and KILL SQUAD stands unrivaled at the top of that statement.
In terms of the plot, there is not much to grab on to, and the bits that exist politely dissolve into nothing by the time the major twist is uncovered in the finale. Other than the constant laughter, Patrick Donahue’s movie is weighed down by some of the worst kung fu fight sequences in the history of cinema. Some of them do appear to be relatively well conceived for an American film, but the execution, and the people trying to perform them are placed at an angle that makes them look absolutely stupid. For those who have viewed DOLEMITE (1975), you should kind of comprehend what I am attempting to say here.
For the fights there is nothing reasonable to suggest about anybody ’s performance as individuals do not possess enough tension to remain at ease for too long to develop a character, and even if they did, the screenplay is so poor that it denies them any form of creativity, the dialogue is so bad that it accounts for the general awfulness of the film. It would take a lot of time to go over every single detail that makes KILL SQUAD (1982) delightfully dreadful. And lets be honest, most readers will probably struggle to accept it. I will simply state that I can at least address a few of those points.
In this film’s universe, everyone is actually ‘Kung Fu Fighting’. Every single character regardless of whether they are a construction worker, used car salesman, or even a lady lying at the pool in a bikini, know kung fu. This even includes the people who inevitably rush to help whomever the Kill Squad is interrogating. It gets ridiculous after a while, as every few minutes there is an actual fight occurring. Whenever the Squad goes out to search for leads, there is no doubt that, wherever they go, a fight is going to happen. And both the women and men performers on screen are going to engage in martial arts.
The sound of Bruce Lee’s punches and kicks seems out of place in action scenes. Sure, it does add a special twist to the absurdity of the auto showroom fighting, but it is a bit of an overkill. Not to mention, the filmmakers had the courage to add Bruce Lee’s noises during the ass kicking segments. And then there are the laughable car stunts. It is sort of like how they expect everyone in California (where this was filmed) to know how to use Kung fu. One scene involved using two cars to cover up an explosive ramp beneath them, which allowed the stunt double to jump from both cars, thereby causing him to land on the concrete. Just to clarify, the intention behind the stunt was merely to destroy the car rather than doing it for any strategic reason.
You can sort of tell that you’re in for an awful good ‘bad’ time when, at the very beginning, two of the villains creep up to a window in order to catch a glimpse of Joseph’s wife taking a sip from her glass. The problem with that, however, is that the window is curtained, so it is not clear whether they are admiring the craftsmanship of the curtains or they have some sort of x-ray vision. This is also where we can witness the very first badly choreographed fight sequence, in addition to the moment when Joseph is shot by Dutch and subsequently, his men rapes and kills his wife.
This is, you would think, what the movie would revolve around; that Joseph would gather his war buddies and seek revenge… But you would be wrong. This movie’s flimsy excuse for a plot is taken in a really dimwitted direction much later in the picture.
Larry goes to the hospital to bring Joseph home and when they arrive, he immediately tells Joseph, “Assemble the squad.” Honduras is yes, Larry does assemble the squad and in a series of five ever more absurd as we watch them. In each of these sequences, we meet the five guys Larry is sent for recruiting Joseph’s “mission”. The first one we meet is a very big muscular guy called Alan who is chasing a group of guys trying to get into a car.
Now, consider for a brief second that you can see the car’s film crew peeking out of the windows and a staff member squatting in the back seat. Alan continues by yanking the hood of the car, shattering the window with his fist, and then, as the climax, tearing the driver-side door off like it was a sheet of paper. As the scene cuts to what i believe is the wide shot, you notice that there is no engine in the vehicle, so it is hard to guess where these goofs had assumed the destination to be. Alan then goes on to clarify to Larry that all this was over a dollar!
One of the most ridiculously funny moments in KILL SQUAD (and the world of film), two construction men push a colleague from the top of a building over fifty feet high. This poor idiot crashes onto the hood of a car below. The logic for this is almost as ridiculous as whatever happens next. Two men proceed downstairs to see what has happened, and expect the other workers to just stand idle with nothing to do and ignore what just happened.
As soon as the two men exit the building, they notice that their victim is missing. Without a mark on him and without even a sigh, he nonchalantly says, “Hey, lookin’ for me.” It seems like the victim had jumped from the top of the building, which looks to be quite more than four stories high and, as a result, he was standing behind them completely unscathed.
Pete, the man with supposedly an adamantium skeletal system, goes ahead and beats the two men into a pulp. Things keep getting more jaw dropping when all the construction workers attack Pete! Which he kicks all of their asses as well. This is then followed by all the other squad members coming in and getting a quick laugh, which is exactly what Larry says, “Joseph needs you,” which always brings a measurement of joy to the party. The group splits up to search for the remaining member of their team, the salesman named Arthur. It goes without saying this results in another entertaining combat sequence, like every other part of the movie.
Bringing the five guys back to Joseph’s home, he has them all display their “skill” in one of the funniest scenes in a non-comedy picture. Pete is uproarious with his two nun chucks style which holds the aim of strengthening confirmation of his sanity. This scene is idiotic in that for the remainder of the film, the squad (besides one very brief scene) never once pulls out their weapons of choice.
Over here, we are learning something new when Joseph reveals, “We think one of the larger electronics corporations is behind this. We overheard the killers calling their leader… Dutch.” This is all the more idiotic because he claimed, if I may have misunderstood him, ‘We’ and that was impossible because Larry wasn’t in the area at the moment of the assault.
In a matter of minutes, the squad hops on their mission to go and wreak havoc on as many people as possible, all within the films time frame of 81 (not counting the credits) minutes. Furthermore, after every fight scene from this point onwards, a non identifiable figure with a sniper’s scope starts taking shots at the squad members one by one. The funniest fight easily occurs around the 60 minute mark when Arthur and Tommy visit a pre owned car dealership to pursue a lead and they seem to be ganged up on by half a dozen kung fu fighting used car salesmen… fists and feet flying everywhere. This leads to the aforementioned car chase that makes no sense.
In the end, the only remaining member of the squad is Larry. Following a confrontation with the masked hitman, Larry comes to the pleasant realization that he has managed to remove the mask. Unfortunately, his victory is short-lived as he is struck in the face, sending him into unconsciousness before he is able to view the man. While we too never laid our sights upon his visage, the lackluster nature of the writing makes it incredibly easy to determine the identity of the assassin. The greater puzzle however remains: the conceptualization of ‘the why’. In any case, prior to this, Larry departs for what is said to be a significant meeting with Dutch, who on paper is imagined to be a significant crime boss. Upon Larry’s arrival, it is clear that Dutch is having a large cookout with a variety of friends which is quite the surprise. Those at the party, including bikini clad Kung fu masters that Larry pummeled, unwittingly set the stage. He has a final talk with Dutch just before battling the masked figure for the second time.
Previously, Arthur is said to have met his end due to the hitman’s rifle, but now his presence here confirms that he wore the most dangerous bulletproof vest in history. Thus, the assassin manages to conjure a samurai sword out of nowhere and dices Arthur. Larry wakes up and literally pounds the life out of the masked man. It turns out to be Joseph (!) and we get a real pathetic reason as to why his actions were intervals for wasting the audiences’ time. Apparently, Joseph holds a grudge against his squad for losing his leg (!) in Vietnam. Thus, he planned on letting them die for this reason. He anticipated killing his wife as part of this plan too, intending to seize the electronics company that is often discussed, “Electronics Corporation.”
Even more shocking is the fact that once Joseph has been unmasked, alas the shoe polish used to color his face bitten and battered has remained untouched! This would have been only slightly more credible if an actor playing Joseph, Jeff Risk didn’t widen his mouth to display [himself] set of gorgeous whites beneath the black polish. At last, Larry does Joseph a kind favor, but this time, Arthur appears to pass away.
And again in this episode, when Larry departs this time, Arthur assumes the position of someone who is feigning injury for the third time ! And both of them walk into the sunset trying to escape from the corrosive, convoluted conaria of cinema in which they have been trapped in.
In what had to be a favor to a friend, Cameron Mitchell is present for no more than 5 minutes of this film and spends the rest of his time and money on the other films. He is Dutch, the principal antagonist in Dutch. His career was mysterious but a promising one Larry, all his fans were kind of disappointed at the end. He did the most work on Western television programs, like THE HIGH CHAPARRAL (1967-1971) alongside some other GUNSMOKE, BONANZA.
The most bewildering thing is that Mitchell has starred, or supported roles in many peplums like CAESAR, THE CONQUEROR 1962, in spaghetti westerns countdown MINNESOTA CLAY 1964, gallops BLOOD & BLACK LACE 1964, drive in horrors MANEATERS OF HYDRA 1967, NIGHTMARE IN WAX 1969, and a few dozens of terrible movies like THE KLANSMAN, THE TOOLBOX MURDERS, THE SWARM and the classic unused warning.
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