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What we have today is a rather fun action movie with the incredibly entertaining Dolph Lundgren as the lead. He is arguably the most memorable of the Stallone Clones that stemmed from America’s obsession with blowing things up and killing people in the 1980s. Most films I review come to my attention via grainy public domain DVD-R burns or 25-year-old VHS rips from midnight cable, but my copy of Bridge of Dragons is crystal clear as it is a factory-fresh disc from HBO Films. The screen captures tell a different story though, as I have no complaints with the quality of my captures. It is just unfortunate that great picture quality is paired with horrible dialogue and awful acting, both of which are more than apparent in this movie.
Mars Attacks! directed by Tim Burton is a movie I admire. It was released in 1996 and it is a unique mix of all things sci-fi, campy and satire. The roles were played by some of the biggest stars that emerged during that time and watching the aliens ‘bug-eyed monsters’ was truly a delight. Unfortunately, it has received criticism from various movie reviewers and watchers. I wonder how someone can be so oblivious to the idea of intergalactic monsters taking over. I understand that there are people who feel disgusted when they do not understand something but isn’t ignoring a much better action? It was quite breathtaking witnessing the chaos erupting in a 1950s alien invasion spoof. The movie was set in the 1990s and consists of modern-day dialogue, but sprinkling everything in between. The mix of cars and clothes was splendid. The military equipment was especially surprising with vintage M47 tanks using the Hubble space telescope as a means of intelligence.
Where is all this going anyway? Well, out of all the anachronistic movies to hit the screens, Bridge of Dragons is on the deliberate side in terms of its storyline just like Mars Attacks! From the clothing to the vehicles and the hairstyles, everything is a blend of the Middle Ages through to modern fits and it is a joy to try and catch the anachronisms as they appear.
According to the timeline, it seems like pure alternate history, one in which Japan and Germany won WWII, thus changing the world as we know it. We are in the late nineties in some undisclosed European country. This country is a monarchy and is a bit in shambles at the moment. Their beloved king recently died in an “accident.” As a result, the king’s daughter, who was too young to rule, was given the throne. Also, the princess’s father passed away recently. The commander of the Army (as per his self-appointed title) is ruling as a “temporary regent” until the princess is of age to rule over this country. This, of course, is “the system” which has been in place for centuries, from Fifth-century Spain through the Empress Dowager Cixi. And it rarely almost never bodes well for both the kingdom and the heir, who constantly seem to end up dying.
Anyway, in any repressive society, there will always be those who challenge the power. In our film, there indeed exists a pretty vigorous and aggressive insurgency that is simmering in the backwoods and within one of the cities’ slums. They seem to be more like embittered peasants than like the duplicitous middle class or scheming elites and there doesn’t seem to be more than a hundred men-at-arms total.
Now let’s talk about the first-hand combat scene. First Bridge of Dragons, the movie, was filmed in Bulgaria, which of course has the look of an oppressed wasteland. Like all other Eastern Europeans, Bulgaria is a perfect place to shoot these types of movies for the simple reason that it is occupied by desperately unemployed soldiers, well-dressed techno club dancers, pirate bosses, and contortionist pornstars who all want to do is sleep with me. [Citations needed]. The Slavic drabness and old Cold War architecture also serve to create an extremely dreary and depressing appearance for many film productions that require that “certain look” (Underworld and Hellboy come to mind but there are hundreds more out there).
In any case, I am not particularly sorry but I keep digressing. A group of rebels has already seized an Army base and obliterated it, as we begin. The question of how these allegedly uncoordinated revolutionaries managed to accomplish this probably says more about the state of the Army than anything else, and later observations of the low standards of both discipline and morale (in addition to very thin equipment) only substantiate my very first prism-shattering evaluation of the military.
The looters, rebels, are emptying the base. Just check that awesome BTR in the back. I actually want one. It seems that the filmmakers only hired this one car for the film and vroomed it back and forth to create an illusion of having a lot.
Let’s focus on our film’s protagonist, rather shakily named Warchild, a mercenary working for the reigning government and a thorn in the flesh for the opposition. This character is portrayed by Dolph Lundgren, 42, who takes the part of a headset-wearing suicide Norwegian. Despite Lundgren’s intense and brute stature, he was raised in Sweden’s most elite families. His years on the continent awarded him an education at MIT as a Fulbright Scholar. Outside of his roles, he is polite by every stretch of the imagination and gentlemanly cameras just bring out his wild side. For most people in America, he will be forever recognized as Ivan Drago from Rocky IV, monotonic exclaiming, “I must break you,” while his nostrils flared and extended in a completely Stalinist manner.
There has been a significant amount of military hardware preshowed in the opening scene. A Vz-25 submachinegun is used in Czeck, while the English still try to use their M-16 Sten guns, and Carl Gustav is known as a rocket launcher. Several former Bulgarian Army trucks can also be seen, including oversized Ural cargo vehicles and numerous BTR-60 Armored Personal Carriers.
During the past months, Kalashnikov was featured on numerous headlines as the new Iraqi Army completely switched to it from the M-16, which severely damaged the reputation of the US Army.
We can already tell this movie is going to be full of over-the-top action, and by over-the-top I mean pointless. The protagonist hero is remarkably skilled and will hit every single target he aims for. Meanwhile, the enemies utilize a shotgun spray tactic hoping to hit something, but in reality, they stand no chance.
Warchild, along with a group of mercenaries, waltz into the battlefield guns blazing. The heroes from this movie are some of the most powerful and ruthless people I have ever come across. As expected, they ripped through the rebels like war criminals.
After the shooting ends, two helicopters begin to hover above the scene. They are old Russian MI-8 Hips, surely former Bulgarian Army machines. Their sides are painted white, and they have had standard “666” tags put on the fuselage. (‘Oh, I also forgot to mention that for some inexplicable reason, the army’s emblem is satan’s street address which I guess is a square way of telling us that they are evil.’) A number of recently fallen trucks and APCs appear with them, all packed with soldiers who began securing the area and rounding up military captives.
To get everyone up to speed on what’s about to take place real quick; I want to make it rather clear that the man stepping out of one of the helicopters is of the more dangerous variety. This man is General Ruechang, who plays the military leader and regent to the throne. Reuchang is portrayed by 49-year-old Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, who is a martial arts actor that is also noted for being a current masseuse for the University of Hawaii football team (I’m not kidding) it’s like, what’s next!?
There is a setup scene where a rather horrid rebel captain is fighting against a statue and trying to savagely insult the General by claiming that the General is taking him to some nice state, camp. To show everyone how epically badass Ruechang is, he first proves himself to a lowlife criminal and then things take a rather impressive turn when he cuts off the man’s head with ornate Samurai sword after displaying some moves.
Alright, let us get back to the juicy stuff; we shall now travel to the magnificent city and meet the stunning Princess Halo. While Princess Halo is the next in line to the throne, she is unfortunately shadowed by Ruechang, the current army general. Thus, Princess Halo is entitled to the position, but is merely a figurehead in the kingdom. Valerie Chow, who has been cast as “Rachel Shaw” for this movie, plays Princess Halo. She is a beautiful Hong Kong actress who has worked in several movies, and at 29 years old, she is amazing. While I have never seen any of the movies she worked in before, I can say with confidence that she has the face of an angel. Although she might appear to be a princess who has given up trying to fit in, the truth is that she is a powerful independent woman who is against marrying the man who plans to become king through violent means.
The princess has a nurse who is extremely old and has served the royal family for decades. She used to work as the secretary for the dead king and has a lot of stories to tell. The nurse is extremely protective over the princess, whom she has raised with love and care, and guards many valuable secrets. Their relationship is extremely nice and built on trust.
We can see that Halo does not fit into the mold of a standard princess; she has a bit of a savage side to her. Every once and a while, she sneaks out to the city beyond the walls of the palace and tries to blend in. She is somewhere in the middle of a sequestered lifestyle and a freedom granted life. The areas outside her palace are quite similar to the other abandoned cities of Eastern Europe, dirty and worn down. It is filled with shabby looking peasants and poor merchants, along with patrols of policemen and soldiers lingering in the tight spaces of the city. The reason why Halo is visiting is to participate in the Fight Club, where she can indulge in life threatening activities with others.
The Fight Club is one of those grimy hole-in-the-wall establishments that serve ale to the filthy masses in between hiring sex workers and devoiding themselves in bare-knuckle fighting. The middle section of the bar is carved out, holding approximately three dozen wooden poles, each cut off at around four feet high and positioned in rows. These wooden poles is set within a large pool of mud mixed with pig excremement, which is not good. Contestants battle on these platforms, attempting to displace one another while clinging on to a wooden pole, in a primitive display of American Gladiator tactics.
When Warchild decided to get in some much needed exercise, he was confronted by a local only to have Halo come in fully suited with only a thick padded mask covering her face. It wasn’t until early on that I realized Warchild has a soft spot for women because thinking that she is a woman definitely struck me as preposterous. During the fight, some of the beautiful soft feminine eyes that I was previously mentioning began to shine through a focused gaze along with her crafted voice. Even though her bosom was utterly concealed with a burnt gray coat, it was clear that she was a woman. Also, this is actually a pretty well-acted and intense fight, just like other hand to hand fight scenes in the movie. Checking my facts, however, I see that Akihiro Noguchi was the fight choreographer. Although I must admit that this may have caught many of the gentlemen in my reading audience by surprise, he is mostly known for his Power Ranger series. Either way, it was only a matter of time before Warchild had to cheat by throwing mud in her face but it wasn’t until she pulled him head first into the mud when he tried to help her up that he realized she has the last laugh. From that moment, she knew that it was her time to stop.
When Halo finally gets to her room after a long day of work, she is met by Ruechang, who is furious at her. She’s definitely dirty and reeks of something unpleasant which doesn’t help in this case. Ruechang then slaps her across the face before leaving. To Halo’s surprise, the Nurse comes to help her and supports her when she says she is not ready to marry someone like Ruechang. The Nurse proceeds to recount a tale that she has kept to herself for quite some time. Apparently, Ruechang killed the king, Halo’s father! This came to her as a surprise since she wondered why she didn’t say anything earlier. The only explanation is that if Ruechang finds out, she is done for. Halo gets furious at Ruechang, but doesn’t know what to do. She feels powerless because he does control the military and courts, and there is no way to dispose of him but it’s easy to tell she’s scheming something.
As military officers in uniform blues mingle with well-dressed guests amidst the palace, the wedding day has finally arrived. Princess Halo enters a hushed crowd and soldiers’ midst, Warchild recognizing the beaded gown’s owner as the mud bunny from the pit. She seems to share the inward joy of recognizing that her separation from Warchild is over but knows the right time was not. Ruechang in her full order’s uniform emuliated with subtle fury makes Warchild’s stomach uneasy.
The oily grin and reptilian eyes of Ruechang put me on edge, but the ‘please kill me’ face of my second wife on our wedding day puts me in the spot. And I should have taken the hint a long time back.
Ruechang reluctantly agrees to postpone the event for one hour while my moment of clarity subdues the panic in his face. She was not fine with the horrific boy, so I decided to faint and wretch fake panic. A part of me was indeed pleased, merely three hours before the well-preserved monotonous ceremony was set to take place. After all, she was covered in pomegranate and cherry baker’s icing. To her quarters my perplexed self was guided around the palace. Finally, I got the best place of the entire castle.
But an hour is more than enough for her to make an escape. Somehow disconnecting from the palace, which had to have the most powerful security detail around, considering that this was the royal wedding in a palace that was dealing with a lot of civil unrest, Halo dashes off. She throws on an olive green fluffy jacket, hops onto a horse, and speeds through the city centre as the heavily armed soldiers don’t even glance away from their guns and knives. Once she is reported missing, Ruechang delays the wedding by a week saying that ‘the princess isn’t feeling well’. However, he later gives discreet orders to Warchild to go fetch her.
As Halo traverses the lush green forest, she stops her horse at a mountain stream to have a sip of refreshing water. In the meantime, she is removing her wedding dress and is revealing a very cute eggshell top and brown pants which she is often in for the rest of the movie. After that, she finds herself shocked by a group of dirty thugs with malicious intent. These locals don’t seem to follow the law and they also seem to have a certain disdain for bathing.
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