Beautiful Wedding (2024)

Beautiful-Wedding-(2024)
Beautiful Wedding (2024)

In 2023, the film Beautiful Disaster was released to a rather indifferent audience. It’s part of this weird era of film where everyone wants to do their own Fifty Shades, that is, take a brash fanfiction, file off some serial numbers, and make a flick out of it. This can be credited to the terrible After series, the awful 365 Days series, and a film that exists, Beautiful Disaster which had something to do with a bad boy boxer and an innocent girl who made a bet to stay away from each other bodies for thirty days, which infamously led towards the two of them falling in love, cause movies like these do exactly that. It was certainly not the worst version of this type of film, but it was awful (I dubbed it the 8th most horrible film of 2023 and I still stand by it) so to imagine that a sequel was coming was bone-chilling. Some part of me figured that the After series has been completed so maybe I’ll be spared the embarrassment of watching these for some time, but no Prime Studios has some other ideas regarding my viewing choices, awful ideas.

The big stars at the end of The After series, aka Abby Abernathy Virginia Gardner and Travis Maddox Dylan Sprouse, wake up in Las Vegas with little memory of the evening’s events, but a lot of cash, new tattoos, and, bizarrely, each other as their spouses. Rather than exploring the possible drama now, they take friends Shepley Austin North, and America Libe Barer, now on their honeymoon in Mexico, to consider this marriage or to annul it. No, I don’t know why they don’t just stay there in Vegas to do that because that would imply this movie explained anything that it was trying to do or was made with any sense of artistic idea beyond “Well this kind of worked before, let’s try again”.

With regards to Beautiful Wedding, letting it sit below Beautiful Disaster feels disingenuous by all means, this is an improvement over Beautiful Disaster. While the name implies disaster, the violence felt very uncomfortable and the ‘comedy’ felt like something thrown into an attempt at an After clone this one’s targeted more towards being a parody of its genre and on a number of occasions does specifically that.

Certain parts of the movie seem to be purely trolling, as they’ve taken the concepts of After or Fifty Shades or 365 Days and put them to an entirely new level of absurdity. You can see glimmers of ambition there, but clearly, it never reaches its fullest potential. And there’s a good reason why. This is a film that feels like it was created in 1998, where the jokes are stale and akin to yesterday’s cheese, but at least it helps you understand where it could have potentially been detrimental.

What absolutely fails is that Beautiful Wedding is a follow-up to Beautiful Disaster and this film could be more different from each other in terms of tone if it tried. We’ve gone from a film which at my most forgiving can be called a gentle scoop of the genre’s tropes to a film that is at one point quite literally a cartoon. Every scene is set to music as though someone had just googled ‘music from a scene that is like this’ and the result was Looney Toons, and then there are wacky sound effects and little cartoonish penises that pop up for no reason to make the line funnier. It’s a tone so extreme that it clashes with everything this movie is about, especially not the one that was previously shown or the acting that we are witnessing.

Let’s shift our focus back to those performances, all the praise in the world is due to Dilan and Virginia who are working their asses off to ensure that this movie is watchable to a certain extent. They pretty much do not succeed because convincing someone to turn this disaster into a decent film is like asking someone to climb a naked slick 30-foot wall, but boy do they give their best shot.

Even the slightest hint of an attempt to crack a joke causes a laugh thanks to their know-how and natural appeal. They appreciate the humor even if they are clearly out of their element and doing a poor job of acting (don’t tell me people actually believe Dylan Sprouse is an angry kickboxer that is an embarrassing stretch). However, there are limits to such devotion with a script that puts all other scripts to shame.

The script of this movie is like a screenplay that Roger Kumble stuffed in the drawers sometime after Cruel Intentions in his library of unproduced films since everything that happens in this movie feels like 2001 was a sweet spot for jokes. Whether it’s the Mexican honeymoon locale with an actual marching band playing La Cucuracha at any opportunity poor cultural jokes that were cringe even then, or scenes that can be found in the most low-grade sitcoms, every single punchline in this film has been used in countless movies by funnier actors. These are talented comedians but we cannot possibly buy the joke about ‘I have another event at the same time and I have to attend both’ because it has been done to the death, no matter if one tries to augment this by mentioning how large the main character’s cock s supposed to be (and isn’t even close to funny because the entire thing is overused).

Quite frankly, I have no clue what to think about Wedding Ever After. It’s rarely ever funny, it’s mostly just tedious and not even always in an interesting way, and if you are lucky, it’s occasionally funny in the opposite way. Everything in this movie seems accidental. In New York, some of our main characters wake up and discover that two of them have gotten married. Some forget why they follow other characters in the movie, and almost all of them arrive at exactly the right moment. How in the world did they manage to pull that off? Really, when the movie starts, it’s in New York, and then all of a sudden they’re boarding an army plane for a honeymoon to Mexico. The key point is that Anthony should stick to being a conman and having his other side job as a plastic surgeon should remain a side mission. I mean, annoying as it is, they go to Mexico and the only time it’s related to the plot is when the husband tries to see what he could smash within a bald Mexican man.

Not that the storyline should really be much of a concern considering I know what film we are talking about, but it really would go a long way if it did not feel like the reason for such actions is that “Hey, we have this location and this person is comfortable and thus let’s do it”.

I mean Beautiful Wedding should not be giving people any false expectations. It should be regarded as the enigma that it is, slow and without substance for those who dare watch it. No, most of the time it is just tedious. There are not enough feelings of hate to stir the blood, there is not enough offensiveness to feel self-righteous about, and there is no loss for such a film that gives hope (even that type which is entertaining garbage) and ends with disappointment. It is the case, no, it is clear. It is a boring film and only quite rarely does it rise to the level of acceptable. There is some space for inferiority but only a little thinking about it is not quite enough to make the film work.

Perhaps if this had been released 20 years ago when all the bullshit romcoms were peaking, it would have been fresh and worthy of a moment for how it parodies cliches but in 2024? Such a movie would rather be God’s greatest creation of all time which is a boring useless film.

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