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The very creatures that benefit from our attention and are worthy of admiration, sharks, stand out of the very same food chain matrix of the oceanic ecosystem that has captured our attention to begin with. No, that’s not where we plan-headed towards. Instead, we choose to take a step back and look at it from a whole different angle, one that entails the use of budgetary horror movies having their pick over sharks being the utterly devoid of conscience, destructive, murderous monsters that the world keeps giving rise to. Before Spielberg’s masterpiece in 1978 came out, sharks were relegated to secondary villains in many films. Alas, however, with a few known exceptions, from Jaws onwards, sharks have mostly been relegated to the background. So begins Craggus’ Shark Weak and dare I say “Raiders Of The Lost Shark”.
If Jaws was the starting point of Shark based horror movies, then Spielberg set the premise for all movies that came after it. The least we could do is pay our respect by starting off with this budget-busting PowerPoint presentation based off another of Spielberg’s masterpieces. The story is prefaced with wit and sarcasm “The following is a true story”, only to end with ‘just messing with you’. Unfortunately, this might be the only good part that can be extracted from the next hour and eleven minutes.
As written in ‘Raiders Of The Lost Shark’, where four friends go on a vacation on an island, a shark that is highly classified escapes from a secret military lab. The weaponized shark appears to have been created with so much hate that it is programmed to kill anything human that it comes close to. And as it appears, this horrifying scenario is not a ‘whoops, we messed up’ based situation but, this shark was designed specifically to breed chaos.
Sadly, it appears that this shark movie is like any other semi-cheap, foolish pseudo-home movie where the funniest feature is that filming and editing together seem to be relatively untouched. With such a low budget, one would expect it to fail and it indeed does. Nothing is in the least bit raided and the only thing accomplished is achieving a laugh. If you sit through the film you may even completely lose your will to live as you pour through the film’s 71 minutes of torture.
Even the most naive person would find it odd and illogical that a lake is situated on an island which is heavily guarded and can only be reached from a chartered boat. It comes as no surprise that the lake is less than 50 meters in width. Between the island and the lake lies land that, according to the charter, is not allowed to be known to the public. Indoors, this is believed to be an area where swimming is not tolerated, so every insider, including the guards, wears swimsuits. For some reason, there are also old sailors featured in the film. The script is abysmal; one would assume it was meagrely edited after the first draft, in addition to the completely unconvincing dialogue. The acting is of such low quality that one can dub it as ‘high-quality pornography’ since there is no payoff, just horrible acting.
The rest of the film isn’t any better. Those ‘special effects’ are terribly underwhelming. They are cut so fast in the shots that one can’t even try to submerge himself into the environment. Even worse is the stock footage of which there is a lot. Things take a turn from bad to worse when the shark, for no valid reason, decides to fly.
All of the murders are completamente bloodless as the shark gleefully devours the quite sizable ensemble cast (the credits take a whole 15% of the already limited runtime) without any suspense being developed at all.
There is no humor, no creativity that may give micro-budget works some semblance of productivity, albeit the scant attention that was given to the editing needs to be appreciated. It is indeed a very unexpected step to write a shark in a plane scene when there is absolutely no chance to depict so much as a fraction of it.
I do not wish to point fingers, but there are numerous confusing elements in the plot such as nervously gazing at the terribly deceptive poster throughout the grasp of the Shark’s Raiders. As a group of friends goofing around while trying to make a parody film for themselves, that portion is incredibly low quality although I have no doubt they enjoyed making it. But as a feature film meant for the audience, Syndicate of Seven’s “Raiders Of The Lost Shark” is almost comical. The evidence doesn’t fully support it, but the vague hints suggest that that’s the intention. If it is a satire, then it is a non-starter.
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