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The initial idea behind the movie was what if David Allan Coe, in his drunken stupor of cheap whiskey and Quaaludes, created an R rated episode of The Dukes of Hazzard set in 1984 Doomsday America? We don’t have to ask ourselves anything since 1984’s Hell Riders answers it all. Cinematically, it is a biker trash epic which pours on the rhinestones, broken hearts and confederate flags, only to add more with carelessly drunk hippies and country music that is pathetically cranked up to max volume inside a bar where all the bikers come to fight. It’s also got a fake hand covered in plastic ants, a plastic retractable knife, and a whole lot of dress ripping. And that’s not even the most important part. The Mysterious Rhinestone Cowboy was not at all involved in this film. James Bryan really outdid himself on this one. His insane mind mingled with B-movie goddess Renee Harmon created absolute masterpieces like this. She excelled at using her acting class to make conceited and pretentious students take her seriously.
As the movie opens, a lady named Claire Delaney (Tina Louise –yeah, Ginger from gilligan’s island!) is driving around the backwater of California, and as she decides to exit from the main road, she is set upon and abused by Snake (Ross Alexander) and his biker group, The Hell Riders! With names like Convict (Dan Bradley), Knife (Renee Harmon), Father (Frank Newhouse), Angel (porn actress Melanie Scott – credited as Melissa Christian) and Rocky (Shawn Klugman), the group isn’t exactly discreet. One man sports an animal-tooth necklace, and another is dressed in a football jersey. Just before things take an ugly turn, Big Ed with his rival gang arrives to prevent the chaos. Big Ed has a right-hand man named Ben who assists Claire while everyone else is ordered to rendezvous with him later – then he dips. After his departure, The Hell Riders stalk Claire, stripping her of her dignity and even going as far as urinating on her windshield while she attempts to start her car. After she makes her escape, these miserable wretches try dragging poor Ben, who is helplessly strapped to the back of a motorbike.
Claire seeks shelter in the neighboring tiny settlement, but the Sheriff (Jerry Ratay) is rather keen to simply wishing the biker trouble goes away instead of actively addressing the issue.
He also claims croche will be forced to leave after being accused of being a prostitute. Instead, she seeks help from the local doctor, Dave (Adam West!) while a local clown Joe (Frank Millen) attempted to fix her car so she could resume her journey. Claire and Dave, a physician with a single shiny tracksuit that he happens to wear, become friends. However, they have no idea that The Hell Riders are in town and are terrorizing patrons at the local diner. Dave pulls out a piece and threatens the bikers while providing medical assistance to Snake. “Get out of town,” he says. They say they will, but everyone knows better. The bikers indeed return and begin some more havoc. Meanwhile, Suzy, the Sheriff’s daughter, is starting to doubt if she wants to spend forever with the local moron mechanic Joe, while one of the biker chicks Angel can’t seem to bother looking for her clothes. This scenario is quite unfortunate for Alan, a photography enthusiast on a visit with his wife, but she does not mind at all.
Those who were banking on Ms. Harmon having a more prominent part in this will, unfortunately, be let down.
Granted she is given favorable billing, it is remarkable how little dialogue she has and remains mostly concealed in the background. Regardless, her eccentric touch was all over this, just as it was on most of her other collaborations with Bryan (such as Lady Streetfighter and The Executioner II). At least the woman does have enough sense to put on a sort of camouflage cowboy hat, which must have been obtained at a Ted Nugent garage sale. The story isn’t very important, and most of the movie consists of The Hell Riders pounding each other to prove their manhood by scalding their arms on tailpipes and other similarly brutal sterner things to each other, but it is pretty rad. Father, who is somewhat of an oddity that looks like a mix of Tom Skerritt and Dave Hill from Slade, carries around an angel that is any, and chained to his arm – which is quite a show. Ross Alexander, the guy portraying Snake, does bring on the appropriate disgusting teeth with a Robert Crumb Mr. Natural ‘Just passin’ through’ patch on his jacket.
Alexander doesn’t just chew the scenery; he obliterates it. To this man, subtle doesn’t exist in his vocabulary as the movie is all the better for it. The fat Sheriff is actually a complete prick and all, but Jerry Ratay is pretty funny as the rat. Well, unlike upstanding officers of the law, he does eat a lot of butterfinger candy bars, plays inappropriate jokes on his daughter and her friends, and when the chips fall, is an attempted rapist – so he is definitely not the best officer. Though Ratay is amusing, that’s for sure.
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