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Justin’s Review If you decided to go see this movie based solely on its title, and The Karate Kid’s Martin Kove is in it too, you would assume where? Exactly. And you would be so, so wrong. No, no, you would be so wrong. Unless your demented mind wondered what if a kid who lost his father assumes that mastering karate could resurrect him, then you are nowhere close to being in the ballpark with A Karate Christmas Miracle.
This is a parody which somehow has a sequel of sorts (A Wrestling Christmas Miracle). This will require some explanation and then many qualifications that I am making this up. I could not invent this. So, please believe me when I say that I am just giving the details of the matter.
Now, juxtaposing a Christmas film with a light tragedy or an unhappy Tiny Tim-esque scenario is one thing, but it is another to see A Karate Christmas Miracle, which starts with a bereaved family of two embarking on their first holiday season following their father’s death due to a mass shooting perpetrated by a ‘killer clown’ at a movie theater. This reference is quite distastefully meant to refer to the 2012 Aurora shootings in case you were wondering (just in case you do not make the connection, the theater owner is called Aurora).
But did the dad get killed? No one is really certain as his corpse was never uncovered, which is exceptionally something you think would escalate a couple of other lines of inquiry with law enforcement officers than seems to have occurred. It is completely outlandish, odd, and grotesque. In many ways, it doesn’t matter where you choose to begin that discussion because it only gets zanier from there.
Jesse who is a problem child, decides to take on the task ‘12 days of Christmas’ because he believes that getting all of those tasks completed will help him get a wish. Wish to bring his father home back. These are completely normal and healthy things to do. However, at the top of the list is spending the few days he has left on helping himself turn from being a yellow belt in karate to a black belt. All of this without any assistance.
I realize I’m just going to have to spell it out for you. No dojo is going to allow you to reach a black belt in five days, no matter how determined you are. Jesse has constant nightmares of the killer, Eric Roberts, and the victims as well. My goodness, what type of movie am I watching? Is this a children’s movie? How, just how is this possible?
This gets even more bizarre. Jesse’s mother, Abby, is convinced that there is some form of supernatural connection, so she brings a law professor who is, for lack of a better term, whacky and goofy. With all that combined, I am afraid it is too many character traits shoved into a single character. These two even went on a wild cross-town chase to figure out the truth about Jesse’s father, who was just full of mysteries. Frightening secrets, such as him being a black belt and never mentioning it to his family. That is some next level shocking twists.
The more I observe this lady professor, the more strange she seems to me and trust me, I am not just talking about her non sequitur Christmas law analogies. The best way I can put it is that she seems to be the main character of some real life Youtube video of an over the top woman having a really bad day, yelling at random people, and spewing out conspiracy theories. Yes, she looks frantic and upset on camera, and to be honest, I believe that she really was.
You rather have a hard time finding out how to classify this movie as it is not made to answer questions and it has more questions than answers. The question that arises is how did this movie escape on its own. It truly is a factory for madness that will leave your mind shattered. I cannot even begin to imagine how someone might come up with such an unbalanced storyline, and it is jammed full of elements that make zero sense, yet gets categorized as some kind of family Christmas movie. It is also a Twin Peaks-style serial killer detective movie, so that adds to the confusion.
Bathing it all. Jesse constantly has a red karate suit, and at any moment, he can be heard shouting towards his mother. During each karate ‘fight,’ students end up in overhead wrestling positions with their opponents slumped over on the floor. The score ranges from deeply ominous to silly whimsical music, often mid way through a single scene. The psychic professor appears to have been on a drunken spree and filming wasn’t even turned off. Somewhere in here, Jesse starts this semi ranting about all the different colored karate belts and their meaning while the background cycling through nature somewhat animated. People around Jesse always seem fondly obsessed with the image of Bob, Abby’s husband, who once looked like a fat looser in all the flashbacks, except when he built a gazebo. Abby keeps hiring an under paid nanny so she can keep boozing with her newly acquired best friend. The footage of North Sentinel island’s occasionally raging, xenophobic natives gets used at some point, but for what seems to be no reason at all.
Not only are those dream sequences absolutely ludicrous but by the time Martin Kove shows up in the film as the serial killer clown, it really is just a laughing mess. Now Eric Roberts is ranting towards nowhere in particular, and a load of individuals appear to be stuck within a theatre. Which begs the question, could this be purgatory, hell, or just Cleveland? The only feasible response to this is a nervous chuckle and these uncontrollable eye spasms. The first time I watched it, it was so disjointed that I have never even heard of Roberts’ other scenes before, which were from entirely separate movie called Joker Poltergeist and were plugged into this movie for no apparent reason.
The reward for bearing this mess is a scene which can only be described as the climax for a reason outside the general span of this film. My inner self finally regained some peace when the last scene came on. You see, Jesse is finally shown breaking a single wooden board with his fist, gets a black belt, and his father comes back into the room. As all of these events take place, he begins to embrace Jesse. And this is right when the viewer is just starting to think so many questions. How could all of this possibly be related to the previous events in the film. But right at this point, the credits roll and the viewers are ushered back into their life.
I would very much appreciate it if some of you were to watch A Karate Christmas Miracle, not because you will enjoy it or that it will be of any use to you, but because I need someone to experience this so that I can create a special therapy group about it with that person. I need a person in my life who will nod at me so that I can nod at them and say, “Applesauce is the new jello” in which case, I will get a nod understanding what I mean.
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