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There is no way an asteroid would have such a peculiar title as Asteroid-a-Geddon unless it originated from The Asylum. Surely, a name like that can’t be from a film studio other than The Asylum. After all, it did not have like any reviews on IMDB so I thought someone has to watch this. Perhaps I would be lucky because it would be more appealing than Shark Season.
Excited to see what happens next? Well, spoiler alert! These bots are predicting a nuclear strike in space. The world is 50 days away from complete destruction. In a summit hosted by General Quinn, his colleague from Russia single handedly claims he plans on launching a nuclear strike towards the asteroid. I won’t spoil the rest for you.
Now, for the best part. Post the nuclear world strikes, fragments of the asteroid will collide with earth. Before that, the rest of the world gets a glimpse of what an absolute destruction would feel like. So out of these 50 days, 5 have already passed which means more than a hundred fragments have already struck earth. This is already enough to witness great heights of destruction. Svoboda and her team of world renowned metallurgists had already begun their research when the missiles struck. Just before he does, his estranged daughter takes a bribe of half a billion dollars to pay for his unreasonable demands.
Near the peak of Divine Will, a Christian Fundamentalist sect, led by Malachi (Craig Gellis, The Thompsons, Boned), has convened armed to the teeth with combat training. These members are convinced that the asteroid was sent by God and are putting every effort into ensuring it does reach Earth.
Sounds like the premise of a rather thrilling film. The military is dropping nuclear bombs on spaces. Passionate scientists trying to deescalate the situation before Asteroid-a-Geddon and armed extremists are trying to halt the two forces. Not to mention occasional giant meteors attacking everyone.
Instead, writer/director Geoff Meed (The Amityville Haunting, 4 Horsemen: Apocalypse) brins us an abundance of talk divided by short snippets of atrocious effects. I mean awful as in back in 1979, Meteor had better special effects. And it had Sean Connery. Asteroid-a-Geddon has Eric Roberts and crap CGI.
A majority of Asteroid-a-Geddon action sequences look unrealistic and poorly executed. For example, do you know that covering your head with your arms protects you from falling meteorites? Or that a SUV has the power to outrun a tsunami?
What about the fans of ‘nutty’ religious suicide bombers? They primarily engage in hacking Svoboda’s computers for most of the film. And when that fails? Malachi goes off to do a solo attack while the rest of his troops prepare for the End of Days. And the one “attack” he pulls off is dragging Alexandra by her hair and yelling about how I God’s plan is for humanity. My mistake for thinking that The Asylum would treat us to a mini-crossfire.
Asylum is mostly known for terrible movies and easy plots, and from those, Asteroid-a-Geddon is the most ridiculous one. It seems even they knew they were cutting corners instead of assigning one of their regular directors, they gave this to Meed who has only been a director once 9 years ago. And there are not any of Roberts cast in company’s usual washed up celebs or their eye-candy performers. They took some people that happened to be available and put them in front of the cameras.
Asteroid-a-Geddon tries to stand out, but as far as entertainment is concerned, it does not have the edge over other films starring Roberts such as Flight 666 and Monster Island. Those films had moments that could have been action-packed. In this film, there are very few effects scenes, and even fewer action scenes. There isn’t even the bizarre and laughable charm of Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus. Stretching it for laughter might not have done much, but it would’d definitely been better than what we got. This is just talky crap that never manages to be remotely stirring, much less exciting.
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