Armored (2009)

Armored-(2009)
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Here’s one of those films you long to be good at an old-fashioned armed ­robbery thriller. Sadly, this neglects even the most basic and cursory facts that could make it work. Matt ­Dillon and Columbus Short play Michael and Ty, a couple of guys who work as gun-toting security guards on a fleet of armoured trucks carrying millions of dollars. On Ty’s first day on the job, Michael and the boys stage a mock attack on the truck – ­apparently as a hoax “initiation” to ­welcome Ty to the crew. ­Chillingly, Ty finds that this was actually a dummy run, a rehearsal for a massive bogus robbery in the middle of nowhere after which the team will claim to have been beaten up and all the money taken. If Ty wants in, that’s fine. But if he doesn’t well, won’t his dead body make ­everyone’s cover story look even more plausible? Crucially, none of the plan ­details so essential to a tense heist drama are given to us; the gang’s ­individual characterisations get lost, and the movie gets boringly marooned in a Reservoir Dogsish abandoned stockyard. Disappointing.


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I’ve learned there is simply no point in negotiating with future you this person who no longer shares your goal to write a play, or to read 50 books in a year. Don’t let their failure be your failure. Besides: if you only manage to read nine books in 2025, you’ll still be nine books less stupid than you were in 2024.

In the meantime here’s something you can do right now to override future-you’s lack of commitment: support the Guardian’s work in 2025. You’ll be supporting independent journalism at a time when it’s more desperately needed than ever, and I promise that we will never send you an email reminding you to practice your Italian.

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