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The setting is everything in “Insane Like Me?” (2024) which takes place during Halloween in East Texas. His girlfriend, Samantha, persuades him to go to the infamous haunted hotel with her brother Will and Will’s wife Erica, even though he’s just returned home from a tour and they aren’t fools. The hotel is infamous for a myriad of unsolved murders and people going missing, but Sam’s brother and his wife seem like a silly tourist group to him. Naturally, everything fails and Jake turns out to be the one at fault. Now adrift from a nine-year solitary stint in an insane asylum, he’s back to town looking for the truth. Who did the crime that fractured him? It’s vampires. They’re right on the poster.
The plot of the book is not strange at all, as the book makes it appear. “Insane Like Me” features Jake, a man in desperate need of getting revenge surrounded by vague supporting characters, like his fellow soldiers, who barely add anything of relevance to the story. Even the rank of the soldier, Jake, a sergeant is made fun of which is absolutely ridiculous. In order to fight, he clearly has some clue on how to operate with firearms, so that’s a plus. The character in question, Jake, is someone who takes delight in fast cars and has the need to own unnaturally white garages with a so-called “conspiracy wall.” Apparently, there is a patch-like area the size of a notebook that corresponds to his obsession. Remember those workout scenes that portray endless grit and determination? Well, there is one scene where he hacks off hair towards a dreadful aim, forgettable “grit and determination.” That may ring a bell to some, Lou Ferrigno’s Hulk. Ultimately he switches back to his original hairdo, completely nonchalant to what he has done. The more precise question is, what happened? “What do you mean? It’s not a flashback,” says the viewer. Bankhead portrayed the protagonist and co-wrote with Chip Joslin who is the director, so he wore a lot or too many hats.
Although Jake is arguably the most skilled vampire ninja in this film, he still gets defeated for the better part. Considering Sheriff Davis (Eric Roberts), Samantha’s dad, is pretty much able to serve Jake his ass at the most unfavorable moments, it would be fair to assume that he does get his ass served to him at various points in the film. It is wonderful to get Roberts on screen but the performance seems rather phoned in at best, and his moments of grief are particularly painful to watch. If he was trying to accomplish Paul Rubens’ portrayal in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (1992), that at least would be less cringe-inducing. Usually, the most notorious and recognized figure in the cast leaves most people yearning for more which somehow does not happen with Roberts. The big bad, who shall remain nameless, could have benefitted from a Ray Liotta (RIP) someone who memorably chews the scenery, but other than some bland torture, the identity reveal of vampire prime is one that will not shock anyone.
Two performers distinctly stand out from the rest in terms of the impression they leave with the audience. As Courtney, McAlister makes an appearance for several minutes. As a bartender, her posture suggested she would be important in a vampire film, but well. Courtney is such a smart cookie that she goes home after her shift, and you will never see her again. Grace, on the other hand, has a winning smile, and, like Patterson, disappears into the role. With Henry, she corresponds as one of the few people in the cast, who is not performing as a person reading lines from a script. Sadly, most of her time is not spent doing anything but getting fridged, inspiring Jake, and if the situation calls for it, rescuing him. The truth is, until the dying minutes, there’s a certain unclarity whether she is a specter or a vampire, and it does not really matter because the vampire mythology is a bit sloppy anyway. Some have fangs while others need sharp tools to facilitate drinking blood. Occasionally, the vampire is heard speaking with a voice that is deep and demonic, and he becomes almost impossible to understand. Hopefully, the version on rental streaming has closed captions.
Bankhead and Joslin became so engrossed in documenting the monotonous aspects of everyday life, like the nightlife in their town, that they neglected to organize the mythology in a logical and sensible manner, instead presenting it in a disjointed and nonsensical way. The mythology of “Insane Like Me” could have enhanced the film had it not been consigned to the last act. The son of the first vampire, Dr. John Williams Stoker, which is a name that raises expectations that won’t be met, used the hotel, which was an insane asylum that burned in 1849 as if he were H. H. Holmes, the Chicago World’s Fair Serial Killer, and somehow Jake knows that he possesses all of the vampire powers, but none of the restrictions. What!?! Vampire Prime is not Blade, and when has a pro-con list been provided? Let’s not waste our time trying to figure out at what point in history European colonizers first stepped foot in Texas. Also, do you know how vampires take on the traits of the first person they feast on? A patient in the local insane asylum, in this case.
Is a vampire fetus or baby presented to the viewers? That would be quite the obligatory character that was left out, but I guess it’s a worded sin. One of the key aspects of horror films is that a character who is pregnant without a miscarriage will always raise the question of what happens to the unborn child. The remade ‘Dawn of the Dead’ (2004) was prepared to cross that line, and it did so to enable “Insane Like Me?” to sprint, but instead, it just plopped back down on the couch!” One of the upsides of being a subpar horror movie is not needing to worry about matters as pleasing good sense.
“Insane Like Me?” appeared to be satisfied with just trying to capture the famous love for cars from ‘Supernatural’, all while adding sites from Halloween (the 1978 version) in conjunction with a random child vamp (Iggy LaMure), who seemed lost on his way to Salem’s Lot. Arguably, he was the best vampire in the entire flick. The vampire that has Hulk’s cast-off clothing, and just runs around in rags, is rather pathetic. Why is it that the other vampires haven’t glamoured him up a bit?
If “Insane Like Me?” had been a prettier movie, then it could have used the Hammer Films formula with big glamorous scantily clad women, which even the sexual exploitation is in this film, but does not seem anywhere near enough.
There is one amusing scene with paranormal hunters drooling over the attractive locals. But that does not last long. Crystal, Samantha’s sister, is a college student working part-time who would rather spend time in the library than go out with her friends. But the movie seems to be confused about where she should fit in. On one hand, she has donned a mini crop top that looks like a black, bikini-style buttoned bodysuit, with the first and last buttons coming undone. Others, including her influencer wannabe friend Josie who shifts from making out with boys to make sure she doesn’t make out with her boyfriend, also try to ensure she does not make out with her boyfriend. This set-up feels contrived. As if they would like Jake to get a new girlfriend but at the same time understand that it would turn Jake into a creep, which is why the movie never goes the younger, blonder upgrade route. Instead, they turn into a platonic duo trying to solve the mystery of the missing people in the town, with Crystal reestablishing the contacts. Not one line about him being like an older brother to close the loop. Just, he is so sad.
“Inane Like Me?” was likely enjoyable to produce, but even if you are a die-hard vampire movie fan, the end product is agonizing to sit through. Just do yourself a favor and avoid it entirely, go seek out “Edges of Darkness” (2008). The production value is not on par with the story, which is superb and needs a modern retelling with much higher production quality and a more skillful cast.
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